Doing whatever it takes to chase the economic freedom

The men in red t-shirts and berets descended at the Vanderbijlpark Magistrate’s Court. They were chanting. Julius Malema was making an appearance. He had been nabbed for clocking 215 km/h on a 120 km/h N1 highway. Surely there must be a very good explanation for this. ‘Commander-in-Chief must have been chasing monopoly capital, or something,’ said Just-Ice on radio 2000 this morning. 

Think about it. Any person who fights for the economic freedom of oppressed masses, sailing against the mighty tide of sheer elite opulence, cannot be seen crawling in a Toyota Conquest, on a Malawi-look-alike road, at a full speed of 90 km/h, with exhaust fumes spurting a ray of cloud to make the sight completely ungovernable for trailing motorists. No, the economic struggle requires a snobbish, fast and furious c-class, if not Range Rover. We are running out of time to bring about this “economic freedom in our lifetime” reality!

Steve Hofmeyer has been telling everybody that the marauding Black people are decimating the Afrikaners. He was also nabbed for clocking 160 km/h on a 120 km/h road. Again, there must be a very good explanation for this. Steve must have been delayed by the back routes (thanks to Minister Dipuo Peters’s e-tolls) and pissed off by it, on his way to performing De La Rey in Vlakplaas. It is small wander that Steve paid 10% of Malema’s R5000 bail. I wander if he managed to reach the killing fields where the ungovernable Blacks were decimated by Eugene de Kock and Dirk Coetzeer.

Artists get paid upfront to repeat their studio-recorded songs on stage. So Steve must have had some stash inside the boot already, and parting with R500 must have been like pulling off at Total garage to stock up on the Red Bull and Biltong. As for comrade Julius, chief, economic freedom you are pursuing is not only faster than your German car, it even boasts the sycophants hiding under the trees and subways on the highways, and that mob extends along the forcibly e-tolled route all the way to the Union Building. I know that this is what you are thinking right now. But you are one of them, give or take 2014 elections.

Let me pause here to drink my headache tablets…

Sorry about that.

Now, Maggie Benedict (Akhona) was detained for allegedly stealing a packet of headache tablets. Any random person… including me actually, does, first of all, experience a serious need to drink headache tablets. With so much drama happening around us - booing, bogus (and conveniently schizophrenic) interpreters, threats of split, Christmas season peer pressure, matric result anxiety, de-classified (nxesified) Nkandla report, blah blah blah? Heh? We all admit that we are a nation in distress. So the fact that Akhona had the presence of mind to stock up headache tablets deserves cheers.

Second of all, it takes guts, for any “Black soapie star” to go (driving will be assuming, on my part) to Checkers, inside that busy Cresta mall, to retrieve pain-killers without paying for them. Who wants the world to know that you are broke, or that you have a shop-lifting streak about you? By the way, gory and silly things seem to happen to women who leave Generations. I could be peddling conspiracy theories here but, either Mfundi Mvundla is a witch or he is witch-hunter. One of the two.

That said, consider for a moment how social media has everybody glued to their phones. (Just two days ago a lady at the traffic department sent me to the busy cubicle next to hers instead of helping me; she was busy “qhofozing” her Blackberry the whole time; I wanted to complain but something about her told me she was untouchable; so I placed my tail between the legs and shifted quietly.)
Therefore, something between Akhona having been carried away on her – I bet – humungous smart phone and trying to evade the attention of hysterical Generations followers inside Checkers, must explain how tablets in her possession skipped the scrutiny of cash-till. Need I mention that going to work every day to forgive a philandering Nicholas each time Zodwa shows up does not only require resigning from the set? It also leaves you nursing a terrible “after generations, now what” headache. Life is stressful out there.

Those three eminent South Africans need opportunity to explain to the nation why they are willing to be part of the statistic of road accidents and theft during the festive season. But the fight for economic freedom in our lifetime, the fight for the safe-from-Blacks Afrikaner state, and the fight to escape the clutches of that 8 o’clock soapie must carry on. Viva Economic Freedom viva!