World, welcome to South Africa

A friend of mine called me yesterday. He was thoroughly amused by the shenanigans of the interpreter. My friend could hardly interpret... I mean speak, properly. He even dropped the phone, dialed again, giggled more and promised to phone me once he had recovered from a bout of laughter afflicting him.

As it turned out, the source of his amusement was that the interpreter has been disowned by everybody who shouldn’t. Yes, nobody is coming up to say they gave the man the task of interpreting at the occasion of that magnitude - the memorial service of Tata Madiba.

I imagine that there were highlights which grabbed your attention. People being people, the things which appeared to be simple progression of events and human behaviour during a very somber moment like this one were spun into stories of alarm, shame and amusement.

Take, for instance, a three-picture collage showing Barack Obama, his wife Michelle and a rather cheerful Danish prime minister, Helle Thorning-Schmidt. Here’s how I interpret (but I ain’t fake, or schizophrenic, or overwhelmed by English, or whatever) Michelle’s train of thought in the three pictures stacked up one on top of the other…

Top picture: ‘Look at this ho!’ (Excuse the French... I mean Black American lingo.)

Middle picture: ‘Imma show this ho that I’m the first lady of the U.S.A!

Bottom picture: ‘Yeah, what you gon’ do now, ho?

Before you start booing me, think of how steeped we still are in the patriarchal culture. The face-off is between Michelle and Helle. Obama’s decorum is not being questioned, and yet the prime minister is already getting public whip lashes, being objectified even by Rush Limbaugh in America who called her a “Denmark Babe.” Now, do you still want to boo me for how I imagine Michelle reacted to the moment?

Then there was the booing of the president; the most unbelievable of them all, for me. Truth is, I saw president Zuma walk in. I swear I did not hear any booing. And my SABC 2 was full blast the next morning when I was watching the news. People, there was nothing. The people are even saying that the crowd was cheering former president Thabo Mbeki. Again, which president Mbeki? My SABC 2 was in great shape, people.

The other story is that Cyril Ramaphosa begged the rowdy mourners to ‘wait until "abavakashi" are gone before you raise issues, if there are issues...’ he said. I say well done to president-in-waiting, except one thing: What issues were you referring to, Sir? All what you were mandated to do was to officiate the memorial service, not to discern “issues” from rowdy mourners and start dropping hints, noh noh noh, order Comrade!

Some people praised Barack Obama speech but scorned how he mentioned Graca and ignored Winnie in his opening. Well, the picture which showed Mama Graca embrace Obama, and whispering in his ear, ‘call me after the funeral’ may have a lot to do with how the great orator adapted the original White House version to suit the after-moment of... you know, embrace. But this is not my territory.

Archbishop Tutu. Yes, the one who’s been praying for the ANC-led government since the day his right to have Dalai Lama at his birthday party was undermined. He stood up, after everybody had spoken, to announce that he wanted to hear a pin drop. Realising that the mourners were not emulating his church fellows (who religiously made it possible for him to hear a robe drop during mass,) is said to have told the mourners, ‘You are going to hell!’ Yes, Archbishop prays for those who sabotage birthday party; sends to hell those who sabotage a memorial service of long-time friend and fellow Nobel Peace Prize laureate. 

Like my friend who is laughing at the interpreter, I picked the hell condemnation as my joke of the day.

Welcome to South Africa.