#clearingthroat#
I grew up harboring silly desires. One of them was to get myself arrested, by some powerful woman in the mould of Connie Chiume (Mosadi wa Kop on Rhythm City) and Petronella Sello (streets of mangaung).
In this fantasy, I’d be thrown in jail to be watched over
by the all-women correctional services personnel in the mould of Portia Gumede
(4play), Zenande Mfenyana/ Noluntu (generations) and Nomzamo Mbatha (isibaya). They’d
be watching me like hawks the whole time, relentlessly chewing bubble-gum and
blowing it into my face to provoke me.
I’d have a very competent legal team in the mould of
Zikhona Sodlaka (montana) and Lindiwe Sokhulu (sokhulu partners/ isidingo)
taking on this thoroughly prolonged, who-cares-when-it-will-end, case.
I’d have my real wife’s daily cooking, and messages of
hope, delivered to me by a type like Maggie Benedict/ Akhona (generations). She
will walk in and out in that Hernesto (chicken licken ad) fashion, with the ready-to-get-nasty
officials in the mould of Queen Latifah (set it off) and Celeste Ntuli (LNN
with loyiso gola/ isibaya) releasing the AK47 bullets into air for the simple
pleasure of intimidating my messenger.
And what
will be your crime, Fusi, you ask – driving on what is supposed to be a free
road, in Africa, generally, and refusing to pay the e-toll.
Minister Dipuo Peters has just announced, stone-faced,
that the etolls are going ahead starting 3 December 2013.
Minister Peters, see you anywhere between Maraisburg and Beyers
Naude offramp from 3 December. Bring Commissioner Riyah Phiyega – suspended or
not suspended - with you to effect the law (but she should not shoot to kill!) And
be sure to request president Zuma to reshuffle quickly to have sis’ Lindiwe (Sisulu)
replace bro S’bu (Ndebele) at my nkandla-type of correctional facility. My jail
time should be fun, because that way I cannot be expected to pay the e-toll!
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